There's No Such Thing As Vampires!
by MockingjayWolf
Summary: In an unfortunate world-collision accident involving Firewhiskey, a talking Pygmy Puff and a very nauseated witch, Hogwarts and the dreary town of Forks are smashed together. This could be very, very bad...
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:**Yay! New story. Another Humor/Parody one... I do enjoy writing these. Please expect a ton of Twilight-bashing. I don't own either world. Please R&R. Yes, I need to concentrate on one story at a time. Now stop reading the formalities and just read the story - **  
**

**Chapter 1: Um... Was That Supposed to Happen?**

Sybill Trelawney leaned over the crystal ball, her impossibly thick glasses flashing in the twilight streaming in through the open window. She stuck her tongue out slightly in an effort to concentrate, mouthing strange words to herself.

It was a Tuesday, she was almost sure of that, and, in retrospect of last night, she had decided never to go to the Three Broomsticks on a school night, ever again.

That last drinking competition with Flitwick had just been too much - seriously, who could have known how much Firewhiskey a little man like him could have drunk in ten minutes.

Trelawney pushed an elbow up onto her table in an effort to keep herself from falling over. Tugging at her coat (imported troll tweed, of course), she widened her eyes, desperately trying to see anything, anything at all, in the swirling, silver, misty, murky, endless, gleaming, luminescent, fuzzy ball.

Nothing.

Trelawney groaned and smacked her head down onto the table, gaining several strange looks from her young Ravenclaw students. She waved them off without looking up.

"Class is dismissed," she finally whispered, probing the inside of her dry mouth with her tongue.

Instantly all the Ravenclaws were staring at her.

"Professor Trelawney," one of them began timidly.

Trelawney grunted in response, her head pounding.

"Are you feeling okay?"

Trelawney stumbled to her feet, swinging her arms in what she hoped was a nonchalant manner, to walk over to where she thought the voice was, and placed her hand on someone's head.

"Yes, yes, I'm feeling quite alright, dear," she murmured. "It's just... I was out into the wee hours of the morning, gazing and - er - unravelling the mysteries of - um - someone's past."

"Whose?" someone to her left asked curiously.

"Time will reveal all, my dear," Trelawney said by way of answer, feeling her stomach roll. "Dismissed."

The Ravenclaws idly collected their things and left, muttering to each other about whether or not their professor could actually do that.

Trelawney smiled blankly at them, occasionally stopping one or two children to burden them with predictions.

"Your next lesson will be prosperous, Jill, oh! Most prosperous indeed!"

"Henri! My dear boy, I'm afraid you're in great danger! You'll have to be very careful when in the presence of cream pies and Pumpkin Pasties, from now on - I see a pastry bringing about your downfall. Good luck!"

And so on, and so forth. As the last student left the classroom with a raised eyebrow, due to a particularly nasty prediction about nightmares concerning possessed food coming true, Trelawney rushed to the nearest pile of parchment and emptied her stomach of its contents.

"Never... again," she wailed in between heaves. Just as her retching began to slow, none other than Professor Filius Flitwick waddled in.

"Sybill, I wanted to congr- oh, my. If this is a bad time, I can come back later," he squeaked, as he caught sight of her unsightly chunks, now proceeding to stain the parchment a merry shade of watered-down red.

Trelawney straightened up, wiping from her mouth the last strains of vomit. "No, no - my dear Filius, aren't we always in bad times?"

"Erm... indeed." He eyed the parchment behind her warily, with the air of one about to run screaming out of the room. "Well, what I came up here to say was that even though I did win the wager, I would like to present you with a token of my appreciation that you - took part." With that, he handed her a cage.

She narrowed her eyes, scrutinizing the creature within. "What is this strange beast?"

"YO MAMA!"

Trelawney shrieked and threw the cage backwards. "It - it - it... _talked!_"

"Yes..." Flitwick rushed to the other side of the room and picked up the cage gingerly. "Sybill, this is a Pygmy Puff. A new breed actually, considerably better than the old one-"

"HELL YEAH!" the fluffy creature within shouted.

"-mainly, because, it possesses the power of speech. Of course, if you don't want it, Minerva _was _admiring it in the hallway... Sybill?"

Trelawney leaned away from the Pygmy Puff, her eyes widened. "_Ev...il. EEV...ILLLL! The beast shall bring about the ones with the fangs. THE FANNNNNGGS!"_

"Sorry?"

"Hmm? Were you saying something, Filius? You must speak up if you wish for your sound to reach me - I'm rather tall compared to you." Trelawney stared at him, a faint smile ghosting her face.

"Oh, nothing, Sybill." Flitwick swallowed. "I'll just leave you two to get acquainted, then." He lifted the Pygmy Puff - who had closed its eyes, suddenly - out of its cage and placed it on her desk, considerably far away from the vomited-on parchments.

Trelawney glanced down at the currently silent Pygmy Puff, next to her. It cracked open an eye (startling green) and hissed, "WHAT'RE YOU LOOKIN' AT?"

Trelawney shrieked again, and slammed a heavy book on top of it.

"_Sybill_!" cried Flitwick. "No hitting it with blunt objects!"

She pursed her lips, and looked at the moaning Puff that was rolling around the desk. ('_Oh, it hurts. Oh, the pain. Goodbye, cruel world. Farewell. I am off to join the choir invisible, jumped off the mortal coil, I am an ex-Puff.' _Etcetera._)_

"Are you sure I cannot hit it, Fillius?" she asked, quickly moving a bottle of Firewhiskey (something she did not even want to _think_ about, let alone touch) from the Pygmy Puff's collision path.

"Quite sure. And don't put it in a bath, either," he added darkly. "You don't want to know the consequences."

"Food requirements?" she asked suddenly.

"Nothing in particular. Anything you have, really." Flitwick made his way to the door. "Goodbye, Sybill."

But Trelawney had already turned to her new pet. "So, erm, what is your name?"

"YO MAMA!"

"Oh, dear."

!~~!

"Cleopatris, _please_ stop," Trelawney pleaded.

"IT'S ALL GOOD IN THE HOOD!" the lilac Puff shrieked, rolling across the floor. It laughed and giggled to itself, snarling fiercely at invisible, imaginary creatures every now and again.

"But - but - well, I promise that - that... I'll give you food!" she tried weakly, leaning against a sun-warmed pillar with a hand on her brow. One with the Sight did _not _need to deal with this.

"ALRIGHT! I'M HUNGRY FOR FOOD, LIKE HUNGRY HUNGRY HIPPOS!" Cleopatris yelled.

Trelawney wondered suddenly what her students would think of her new pet. It was no matter, she decided equally as suddenly, and began rummaging about her office for food.

As one who possessed the Sight, she rarely found the need to eat food... and yet, there had to be _something _edible around here.

She sighed, and, seeing no other option, grabbed the bottle of Firewhiskey on her desk and proffered it to the Puff.

"Here, my dear," she cooed. "Quench your thirst with this."

Cleopatris took the bottle in his small furry hands - _hands? - _and in one swift move, smashed the top open on the floor.

Trelawney watched, subdued, as the Pygmy Puff grasped the bottle firmly and downed it in three gulps.

"MMMM! FINGER-LICKIN' GOOD!"

"I'm sorry?" she asked, knitting her brows together in confusion. "'_Finger-licking'?"_

"S'ALL GOOD, WOMAN! DAT DRINK BRUNG DA FIRE TO MA BELLY?" It rubbed - or tried to rub, as its arms were far too short to reach - its stomach in content.

"Well, as long as you're happy, I suppose. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must go and prepare-"

"OOH! WANDY!" Cleopatris leaped up onto her shoulder.

"Yes, that is my wand, but I'm afraid that I have need of it-"

"MINE!" With that, the Puff leaned down and yanked Trelawney's wand out of her grip.

"No - stop -" she tried desperately to regain her wand.

"ALLEY-OOP SODIE-POP VAMPY-WITCHY COLLIEO MAMAMAMA. MUHAHAHA!" the Pygmy Puff ended in a shriek of maniacal laughter. Trelawney's wand, beech with a unicorn hair core, sparked, spluttered and made a _popping _noise.

Trelawney froze, terrified of the consequences. _That wasn't even a proper spell!_

"My dear - I would ask you to give me my wand - before something terrible happens-"

Cleopatris smiled a toothy grin at her. Trelawney's eyes bugged out in shock as his white leer grew, and grew, and grew.

The world shook, and sparks of red, white and gold flew past her. Trelawney stumbled backwards and tripped over something. Her glasses tumbled off her nose - she would have stuck her hand out and tried to have caught them, but by then her vision was filled with that of white - white - _white..._

And through all of the shaking and the white and the blurring, there was one thing she could hear clearly:

"YO MAMA!"


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: **Thanks to Megan Consoer, Sarah-TheRealSlimShady and Ramen is Happiness for reviewing! Also, thanks to everyone who Favorited, Story or Author Alerted! It means a lot to me, so everyone who review, favorited or alerted: have a cupcake! No, go on. I won't look. You're on a diet? Oh, screw that: YOLO! There. Isn't that better? You know what they say: a cupcake a day... well, something. Oh, go on; have another one while you enjoy chapter 2. I won't tell. I promise!

**Chapter 2: The Dreary, Dreary, Dreary, Dreary, Dreary, Dreary Town of Forks**

Hermione picked herself up gingerly, wincing as she put a hand to her forehead and it came back bloody. _What the Merlin just happened? _All she could remember was a blur of white, flashes of multi-colored sparks and a whole lot of rumbling.

She bit her lip and stepped out of the Charms classroom - ignoring the other dazed students who were just beginning to wander around.

Hermione sucked her breath in sharply through clenched teeth as she took in her surroundings. _My..._ Still there was the courtyard, but gone was the lake and the mountains in the distance. Instead, a head of an unfamiliar town sat contentedly - right in front of her.

_Where am I? _Hermione shook her head, pulled her wand out of her robe pocket and walked forward.

The town was small, almost quaint - if it weren't for the huge storm cloud hanging directly over it, rumbling ominously. _Looks like rain, _Hermione thought dryly.

"Hermione? What the bloody hell is going on?"

"Ron! Are you okay?" Hermione hurried over to the ginger, pulling him quickly into the courtyard.

"I'm just fine. Some of the Hufflepuffs are really freaking out back in there, though." He threw a careless gesture in the direction of his History of Magic class. "I lost Harry - I have no idea where he's got to."

"Ron, you imbecile!" Hermione shrieked suddenly, making a dizzy-looking Hufflepuff nearby start. "What if all of what has happened is a trap, laid by Voldemort himself? What if Voldemort is planning to kill Harry right now? What if Voldemort is killing Harry right now? What if Voldemort has already killed Harry? What if-"

"Hermione, I'm right here," Harry sighed and allowed himself to be half-strangled by Hermione's bone-crushing hug.

"_Harry! _I was so worried! I thought maybe-"

"Yes, I heard." He turned to Ron and clapped him on the back. "You alright, Ron?"

"Fine. Now, _what the bloody hell is going on here?" _he emphasized, widening his eyes.

"I'm not sure. Perhaps one of the Potions classes had a mishap - again, or perhaps we accidentally triggered the time-travelling portrait that we're not allowed to touch - again, or perhaps the Heir of Slytherin has awoken - again, or-"

"Merlin's saggy white pantyhose, Hermione, just be quiet for a second, will you? We have to figure out what's happened - logically." Harry rubbed his temples, looking pained.

"Are you kids okay?"

Hermione whirled to see a stressed-looking man with a mustache to rival the one that Harry had grown once. _That_ had been a weird couple of weeks. "Yes, sir, we're fine."

"Thank goodness. You know, it's amazing that no one was hurt - it's not everyday that an old castle falls out of the sky and lands conveniently in an unoccupied field. I'm Police Officer Swan, by the way." Police Officer Swan, managing to look far too friendly and far too stressed at the same time, stuck out his hand.

"Police Officer?" Ron cocked his head to the side. Hermione could almost see the cogs and wheels turning in his tiny brain, trying to sort out this strange, new phrase.

"Yes. You know - flashy lights, handcuffs, bang-bang, that sort of thing. I haven't seen you kids around before - are you from that school?" He frowned, his stress lines deepening even further. "Because, if you are, I'd have to take you into custody."

"Yes, we are - _OW!_" Ron yelped as Hermione's elbow caught him sharply in the ribs.

"No, we're from out of town. My name's - um - Anna... Recsic. This is -"

Harry caught on faster then she had expected. "Uh - my name is - uh - Arthur... Seller. Call me... Art."

"Ronald Weasley - _OW!" _Ron yelped again as Hermione's fist smashed nonchalantly into his stomach.

"Sorry, he's got... ah... kleptomania. His name is..." Hermione glanced around desperately for help. Spotting a nearby billboard, she drew inspiration from it. "_Bud Weiser."_

"No kidding? Those are some pretty unique names." The clueless Police Officer Swan shook his head, presumably in awe.

Without a moment to lose, Hermione whipped out her wand, pointed it at his face, and shouted, "_Obliviate!"_

Police Officer Swan was blown back by the force of the spell, to land ungracefully on his gluteus maximus, and lie very still.

"Is he dead?"

"I don't think so."

"Hermione, you killed him!"

"No, I didn't!"

"Yes, you did!"

"No, I didn't!"

"_Hermione killed a Muggle! Hermione killed a Muggle!" _Ron and Harry sang in unison, joining hands and skipping merrily around the presumed corpse of Police Officer Swan.

"He's not dead!" Hermione claimed frantically, kneeling by Police Officer Swan's side and checking his pulse. "He's unconscious."

"Hey! That's my daddy!" A new person rushed to Police Officer Swan's side, and shoved Hermione out of the way. The young woman leaned down by her father's ear. "_DADD-EEE! YOU PROMISED TO TAKE ME SHOPPING!_"

"Um, hi. Your father got hit by... a watermelon. He's knocked out, by he should be okay in a few-"

The girl burst into tears. "_DADD-EEE! YOU'RE DEADDDDD! AND NOW NO ONE WILL TAKE ME SHOPPING!_"

"See, Hermione, he _is_ dead!" Harry proclaimed triumphantly. Then, his happy look drained off his face. "Oh, wait. That's bad."

Hermione put a steady hand on the hysterical girl's shoulder. "Um... your father is fine. He's just-"

"Oh, he's fine, is he?" The girl stood up, shook her medium-length brown hair over her shoulders. "I'm Bella Swan, then. Oh, and my boyfriend's a vampire. Would you like to meet him?"

"Um..." Hermione determined that this _Bella _was an escaped mental patient, fresh from... the _Wherever the Bloody Hell They Had Landed Asylum. _"Yeah... my boyfriend's a, um, pixie."

Bella frowned. "You silly-head! Pixies don't exist!"

Hermione stared at her in disbelief. "And vampires do?"

"Yeah!"

"Okay... um, Bella, where exactly are we?"

"You're in Forks, of course!" the girl exclaimed. Then, a look of boredom took over her features. "It's stupid here. _Anyways,_ you guys should, like, come and meet my BF and his family! Since, like, you three are my BFFs now!"

"Wait - what?"

"Yay! BFFs!" Ron linked arms with Bella Swan and skipped off down the road, singing about friendship and butterflies in perfect harmony, away from the castle, where dazed students and teachers were just beginning to emerge from the classrooms.

Hermione and Harry exchanged half-exasperated, half-amused looks and trailed after Ron as quickly as they could.

**!~~!**

"So... you're _vampires." _

"Well, since Bella already spilled it, yes. We are vampires. And you are..."

"Technically speaking, we're wizards."

"_Righ_t_._" Edward Cullen sucked in a lazy breath and leaned back. "Wizards. Of course. How silly of me."

"Wizards don't exist," Emmett drawled.

"Yes, they do! We're standing right here!" Hermione placed her hands on her hips and stared defiantly at them.

Carlisle took them in with a noted degree of humor. "Alright, _Hermione. _Prove it, then."

Hermione pulled out her wand indignantly. "_Reparo!" _she pronounced, pointing the wand towards Bella. A jet of golden light hit the pretty, air-headed girl.

Bella's pupils dilated. She was silent for a second, then opened her mouth. "The square root of -1 is 'i' and the largest known prime number is 2 to the power of 43112609-1, the longest word in the English dictionary is ', and crocodiles cannot stick out their tongues," she proclaimed in a nasally voice, pulling a pair of nerdy glasses out of thin air and pushing them up her nose.

Edward stared at her as if she had suddenly grown 23 extra heads. "_What have you done?_" he roared, rounding on Hermione. "_She's smart now! Put her back!_"

"Okay, okay. _Reducto." _

Bella pulled the glasses off her nose, a faint smile lighting up her face. "I like _puppies_."

Edward sighed in relief, and hugged her. "Much better."

Carlisle, however, wasn't done. "That's pretty amazing," he stated.

"Thanks." Hermione nodded, as Ron stared at Rosalie, who looked slightly creeped-out.

"Um, why is ginger here staring at me?"

"Because you smell like rainbows and loveliness." Ron's expression changed into that of one who has just eaten an entire box of love potions.

"_Oka-yyy_. Moving on, even with your gold eyes and... sparkly skin, I don't think you and your family are vampires." Hermione gazed skeptically at the Cullens, lounging on various articles of furniture in the 'Cullen Manor' or wherever they were.

Alice stood, shaking her head. She was thin in the extreme (_Anorexic_, Hermione thought sadly), pixie-like (just proving Hermione's theory that the Cullens were in fact fairies) and moved as though she was dancing. Alice lifted her arms into the ballet prepatory positions and moved her feet gently into an arabesque. She held the position as she looked straight at Hermione. "Honey, of course we're vampires."

"Vampires don't exist."

"But in your world, from what you've told us, werewolves and goblins and giants exist?" Alice quickly shifted her legs in a plié.

"Yes."

"We have werewolves here, too, sweetheart. And don't you have vampires over in your world, as well?"

"Well... yes. But our vampires are pale, gaunt, have pointy ears and no hair," Hermione said, gazing disdainfully at Jasper's golden locks.

"_And _they don't like garlic," Harry added, holding up a clove of garlic; none of the Cullens so much as flinched. "Nope. You guys aren't real vampires. Posers, maybe."

"We're not posers! I'm nearly 100 years old!" Esme cried, bringing out a tray of fresh chocolate-chip cookies from the kitchen.

Ron grabbed three, and stuffed them into his mouth all at once. "_Rosalif, wi oou a'ry eey_?" he asked, spraying crumbs everywhere.

"Eew." Rosalie backed away. "Come on, Emmett, let's go hunting. Or _something_ else. Anything else."

"Um, we should probably get going too." Hermione grabbed Harry and Ron's arms and began to haul them out the door.

"Yeah... places to go, noseless men to kill, that sort of thing," Harry grinned.

"_Whaf? Buf - gookies!_" Ron mumbled, his mouth still full.

"Wait," Carlisle called after them. "If you and your - your teachers don't find a way to get back to your own world, how about coming over here tomorrow, same time? We can play baseball. And I would love to learn more about your - your - species, is it?"

Hermione started to shake her head just as Harry blurted out, "Of course. Same time tomorrow." Under his breath, he hissed to her, "We'll play a couple rounds of baseball and then school them at Quidditch. We can bring the Gryffindor team along. I'm sure school will be suspended tomorrow; after all, they have to work out what's going on!"

"Oh, okay. Fine. Ron!" Hermione called suddenly, irritated. "Get your face out of those cookies!"

Ron's voice came back muffled, "_Buf they're good!_"

**!~~!**

**A/N: ** Yes, Ron and Bella are both idiots. I'm not sure why; they just came out like that when I was writing this. Reviews and constructive criticisms are appreciated. So are alerts, and the like. Thanks for reading!

_**Next Time, on 'There's No Such Thing as Vampires':** The Uley pack and the Black pack meet Remus Lupin and Sirius Black!_


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N:** Sorry this took so long - I've been away for a while. By the way, Remus Lupin might be a little strange (as in character change). I swear I didn't plan for it to happen, he just came out on digital paper that way. Good luck - and R&R! I don't own any of the songs used in this chapter. One is a song on Youtube, one is the F.U.N Song, used in Spongebob Squarepants (no, I don't know how Lupin would know about Spongebob) and one is called 'Werewolves of London', by Warren Zevon.

**Chapter 3: Doggies!**

Remus Lupin pulled himself down the road with some difficulty. Hand after hand, he dragged himself through the gravel, drawing strange looks from passers-by. He groaned with every effort, but continued onwards. _Nearly there. Nearly-_

"Remus, what exactly are you doing?" a voice asked, exasperated.

Remus turned onto his back and stared up at his friend. "Practising, of course."

"For what, exactly?"

"Um... the Apocalypse... I believe. You can never be too prepared."

Sirius rolled his eyes and yanked his dishevelled friend to his feet. "Are you serious? You're a werewolf, and you're worried about the _Apocalypse_?"

"Well, it would seem as though we're in it. I mean, have you ever seen this place before?" Remus asked, pulling out his wand and inspecting the land around them. They seemed to be on some sort of... main street. Quaint little Muggle shops lined either side of the road. It was so adorable that it tugged at the gag reflex.

"_'Forks'" _Sirius read off of a fading sign. "_'The Happiest Little Place on Earth Where You Can Get Eaten Alive by Mythological Creatures'. _Lovely. Well, considering that both of us are mythological creatures, at least by these peoples' standards, we'd better get our dining utensils ready and-"

"_RIDDIKULUS!_" Lupin screamed suddenly at a passing lady with a halo of white hair around her face.

The lady gave him a dirty look and hurried on.

"Sorry! Mistaken identity!" To Sirius, he muttered, "That woman was the splitting image of my ex-wife - I could have sworn that was a boggart."

"You have an ex-wife? You never told-"

"ONWARDS!" Lupin interrupted dramatically, and strode ahead, down the road.

Sirius sighed, and followed him.

!~!

"_Oh my word, this tune is annoying / Yes, I know, its really annoying / I - can't - get - this - song out of my HEEEAAADDD!" _Lupin sang as they walked down the forest path.

The woods were really rather beautiful, Sirius thought. If only the sight of them hadn't been blemished by Lupin's horrible singing.

"Lupin, do the world a favor and stop singing. You've already killed three birds with the chorus."

"Nonsense, Siri!"

_Siri? Isn't that a Muggle thing that annoys people?_

"I have a _lovely_ voice!" Lupin continued. "Listen - _F IS FOR FRIENDS WHO DO STUFF TOGETHER / U IS FOR YOOOOU AND MEEEEEE!"_

A bald eagle dropped down out of nowhere and tried to hoist Remus away. After a brief tussle (which Sirius watched, amused), it swooped off again. Lupin, relatively unharmed, shook his fist at it.

"Why would it do that?" he asked Sirius sulkily.

"Probably because it thought you were a dying animal in pain," he responded dryly.

"I'm not a dying animal, and I sound nothing like one! I sound-"

Suddenly, a dark shape leaped out and pinned Lupin to the floor. It snarled over him, moist teeth a-dripping with saliva.

"_Eugh_," Lupin told the shape. He made a face. "Nice breath. Ever heard of a TicTac?"

"_Gah!_" snarled the shape. "You're not a dying animal. How disappointing. I was hungry."

"Hi, Fenrir." Sirius sighed casually and turned away - not at all concerned that Lupin's life might possibly be at an end. It_ had_ been that kind of day, after all. "Please, put me out of my misery." He pointed to his neck. "If you could be quick and snap it, I would be much obliged."

Fenrir Greyback leaned off Lupin. "Now, why would I do that? You're an Animagus - not fair game."

Sirius tilted his head back and closed his eyes. "So close, and yet so far."

Greyback stood up. "As long as the three of us are together, you wanna go get some ice-cream or something?"

Sirius stared at him, while Lupin squealed enthusiastically. "Yes, yes, _yes_!"

"You're not serious, are you?"

Greyback pursed his lips. "No. _You're_ Sirius, if memory serves."

"Yes - I mean, no... but yes. That's not what I meant! You're a blood-thirsty werewolf - why would you want ice-cream? With _us_, of all the people you could pick?"

"Well..." The blood-thirsty werewolf thought for a moment. "Blood and flesh just don't satisfy a man's craving for strawberries and cream, sometimes. And you guys are the closest kin I have, now that we're in Forks, or whatever."

"What happened to your other werewolf buddies?" Lupin asked concernedly.

"I think it's best explained in song-" Greyback whipped out an accordian.

Sirius put his head in his hands. "No, please-"

"_I saw a werewolf with a Chinese menu in his hand_

_Walking through the streets of Soho in the rain_

_He was looking for a place called Lee Ho Fook's_

_Gonna get a big dish of beef chow mein:_

_Aaoooooo!_

_Werewolves of London!_

_Aaoooooo!"_

Lupin joined in, linking arms with Greyback.

"_Aaoooooo!_

_Werewolves of London!_

_Aaoooooo!"_

Sirius paused. "Wait, you didn't write that-"

_"Aaoooooo!_

_Werewolves of London!_

_Aaoooooo!"_

"Okay, please stop. I get it-"

_"Aaoooooo!_

_Werewolves of London!_

_Aaoooooo!"_

"How does this explain what happened to the other werewolves-"

_"Aaoooooo!_

_Werewolves of London!_

_Aaoooooo!"_

Suddenly, ten or so other voices joined in, messing up the words a little.

_"Aaoooooo!_

_Werewolves of FORKS!_

_Aaoooooo!"_

Sirius turned. "What the-"

A bronzed, tattooed teenager emerged from the bushes, howling. For some reason, he didn't have a shirt. Eight other boys emerged from the bushes behind him, also howling, also shirtless. A girl followed, also howling, but not shirtless (rather unfortunately, Sirius thought).

"Hi!" one of the boys greeted. "We're the werewolves of Forks!"

"Oh yeah?" Lupin challenged, accepting it... just like that. Again, it had been that kind of day. "Prove it."

The boys turned to the apparent leader of the group, who let out a manly, manly yell and _transmorgified_ into a huge, hairy beast. It was black, it was large, and it looked nothing like a werewolf. In fact, it looked something like Sirius's animagus form.

Lupin shrieked. "_It's hideous!_"

Sirius raised an eyebrow. "You guys aren't werewolves. You may be Animagi, but you're not werewolves."

A boy with a smouldering look to attract - and then smoulder-to-death - a bajillion fangirls smirked. "_Ani-whatsits_? Dude, technically we're shape-shifters-"

"Ah! So you're Metamorphmagi!" cried Greyback, pulling out a pair of scholarly glasses and squinting through them. He nodded, satisfied.

"What? No, we're not. We're _werewolves_," the boy with the dark, hooded look insisted. The girl to his right nodded viciously.

Sirius laughed grimly. "No, you're not. Werewolves are horrible, ugly creatures who are _not _smoking hot - no offense, guys," he added, looking at Greyback and Lupin, who both shrugged in unison.

"Ah, no. Buddy, you've got it wrong - _AHHH!_" A huge, black-haired man jumped away and shrieked like a little girl as Sirius pulled out a grainy photo of Lupin as a werewolf that he had taken when they had been Marauders together. The werewolf in the photo snarled and howled, moving very slightly.

There was an awkward pause.

"So... who exactly are you guys? Why do your photos move?" the girl asked.

"Um... it's a long story," Sirius said uncomfortably. "It's been lovely to meet you, but I'm sure you've all got psychiatrists to go to and-"

"No!" exclaimed Greyback suddenly, startling Sirius. "We can explain over _ice-cream_!"

"Yeah!" cried Lupin happily, once more linking arms with Greyback and skipping down the path.

The Forks 'werewolves' followed, rather confused. That left Sirius standing alone in the middle of the clearing.

He sighed. "Give me strength. And patience. And pepper-spray. Lots of pepper-spray." What for, he didn't know. But he would need it.

And with that, he trudged after the large party.

!~!

**A/N:** Next up, the baseball game!


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N:** No time to talk - have to go save the world from broccoli-eating zombies! Thanks for reading and reviewing! Now, to the platypus-submarine!

**Chapter 4: Baseball! Quidditch! BASEBALL! QUIDDITCH!**

"Um - Harry? A storm's brewing. Are you sure this is a good idea?"

"Nonsense, Hermione! A storm is a good omen!"

"_Unless you get struck out of the sky by lightning, Ronald!_" Hermione cried shrilly.

"Hermione," Harry sighed, with the patience of a saint, "we've already brought the team along. We can't turn back now. We're almost there!"

Angelina Johnson grinned and nudged Hermione from behind, nearly shoving her over. "Yeah, Granger! Where's your competitive spirit? A little lightning'll make it interesting!"

Hermione's eyes widened. "That's _it._ All of you are _nuts_! I'm going back to the castle!" She turned to go, but the Weasley twins hooked an arm each around her and dragged her, kicking and yelling, into the forest, Katie Bell and Alicia Spinnet following behind, wide grins on their faces

!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!

"Hello, everyone!" Carlisle smiled sweetly, pointed canines showing, as the Gryffindors approached the already-decked-out-in-Red-Sox-uniforms Cullens.

_He's probably wondering how I would taste smashed between two slices of bread, _Hermione thought grimly, watching the tall, handsome, manly man's golden eyes.

Thunder boomed overhead, and Hermione crossed her arms angrily. She opened her mouth, but Ron cut her off.

"I'M ON ROSIE'S TEAMMMMMM!" he screamed, a few higher pitches than should have been normal for a teenage boy, and rushed to Rosalie's arm, where he hung off of her, giggling maniacally.

Emmett raised an eyebrow, nodding towards Harry's broom. "Why do you have brooms? Do you believe you are going to _clean up here_?" He laughed uproariously at his own joke, and the rest of the Cullens joined in.

"_AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHA-_"

Hermione sighed, and glanced at her watch.

"_HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-_"

"How do they have this kind of lung-power?" Harry hissed to George, who shrugged.

"Do they have to breathe, being vampires?"

"Oh. Right."

"_HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAhehahhahheheheha hahhhaehe. Hehehehe. Haha..._" Eventually the laughs dwindled away, leaving Bella, standing in the centre like an overpaid actress, manically giggling. Her tinkling laugh blended in harmony with Ron's, who Rosalie was - unsuccessfully - trying to shake off.

An awkward silence ensued.

Eventually Esme cleared her throat. "So... baseball?"

Harry sniffed. "Actually, we were kind of hoping we could introduce you vamps to the sport of Quidditch. It's kind of 'our thing', you know?"

Bella gasped happily. "Kind of like - so, kind of like, my thing is chewing my nails and lamenting over my self-imposed exile to a town that I hate and crying and hating the weather and being an idiot?"

"Oh, honey - you're not an idiot!" Edward rushed over to her and grabbed her fiercely, nearly hugging the life out of her.

Fred coughed to cover up a snort of laughter. "Have you read all four books? She's a total idiot! She can't walk across a flat surface without tripping! She's a total example of what the lovely Ms Meyer thinks is an 'original character'!"

A laugh in agreement from George.

A look of bemusement from Edward. "Books?"

A sneeze of disbelief from Carlisle. "'Ms Meyer'?"

A stare of puzzlement from Alice. "'Mary Sue'?"

A snarl from Rosalie. "_Get off, redhead!_" she snapped, yanking her arm up and down. Like a toddler, though, Ron clung on.

Rosalie suddenly became aware that everyone was staring at her. With a toss of her hair - the method of the tossing, of course, had been learned from her favorite singer, Vustin McJeiber - she struck a pose and tried to look cool - as cool as it was as possible to be, with a gangly, pimply teenager hanging off her, declaring his love in the form of truly awful poetry.

Ron smiled bashfully. "And now a haiku, for my one true love:

_My dear Rosalie_

_Our love is much more potent_

_Than my rancid trash."_

Rosalie turned a bright shade of green, and promptly threw up, all over Ron. He squealed in delight.

"A reaction! _Now_ we're getting somewhere!" He lifted a leg, inspecting the sparkly vampire-vomit coating it. "Wasn't quite expecting this shade of glitter, though."

"_Emmett_," barked Rosalie, looking disgusted. "A little help?"

Emmett, with a patient sigh, stomped over to Rosalie's arm and pulled Ron off of her, as if he weighed no more than a butterfly (which he probably didn't because of the new 'binge-diet' he had committed to, to better 'secure' Rosalie's love). Ron, still giggling maniacally, was lifted into the air and spun around by Emmett, who looked as though he was a professional-wrestler spinning an opponent. Eventually, though, the spinning reached its climax and Emmett let go - and Ron sailed away, over the trees, until gravity claimed him again. But he seemed to be about a mile away by that point.

"And yet another reason not to play anything with vampires," Hermione murmured to herself. Everyone, including Hermione herself, seemed completely unfazed by the absence of Ronald - in fact, Rosalie burst into tears of happiness.

She quickly got ahold of herself, though. "Ahem. So - baseball?"

"Quidditch, I think," Angelina remarked casually. "Harry, Hermione and myself are the only ones who know what 'baseball' is. The others don't really get it."

Alicia laughed hoarsely. "Yeah - what are those bases for? Why would you use a helmet - only sissies do that! And the ball - there's only one! Who in their right mind would want to play or even watch the game?"

"Nearly half of America," Edward muttered.

Angelina squinted at him suddenly. "Have I seen you somewhere before?" she asked, as though she had only just realized it.

Edward stiffened. "No. You haven't."

Katie looked a little closer. "You know what? Ang is right. I could have sworn that I've seen you somewhere before."

George nudged Fred, and coughed indiscreetly. "_Cough-Cedric." _To Fred, he muttered, "Spoilers. And _People _magazine." Fred nodded, grinning.

Alicia shook her head, as if to clear a memory from its dusty corner of her mind. "You look a lot like - no, I suppose not."

Edward turned a bright shade of red. "Right, then -if you guys don't want to play baseball, that's fine. Just wait on the sidelines for a while, then we'll try your 'Quidditch', which I've never, ever, ever, ever, _ever _heard."

So the Gryffindor team trooped to a safe distance away, Hermione lugging Ron's broom.

The vampires set themselves up, Hermione watching skeptically while the others set out on their brooms to quietly go look for Ron.

Jasper walked up to bat first, swinging the long metal stick easily. He flipped it over his shoulder and braced himself as Alice wound up to pitch the ball from her pitcher's mound.

Now, Hermione knew a thing or two about baseball (as her father was a big fan of the American teams) but she missed the first pitch. All she saw - all she heard - was Jasper blurring and a huge crack.

Hermione screeched and clawed at her ears as Bella mirrored her with a shriek of her own. Her eardrums _hurt. _

"What the Merlin?" she yelled at Jasper, who stared back innocently. "What _was_ that?"

"Oh, that?" He gave a dismissive wave of his hand. "Just a sonic boom."

Thunder rumbled overhead. Hermione, still rubbing her ears, made the connection. So they played baseball in a storm so Muggles wouldn't suspect anything when a sonic boom resounded throughout the town.

"But that hurt!" she cried. "Why play baseball at all? Isn't this super-dangerous?" She didn't know for sure - after all, Hogwarts didn't teach Muggle science, and she had only been in Muggle school up until her eleventh birthday or so. In fact, there was a lot of Muggle things she was missing. For example, she had no idea what algebra was, or what a biomass was. There was a definite flaw in the magical education system. Oh, well. None of that stuff would ever come in handy anyway.

"Well... it's fun," said Alice, as if that explained everything.

"But why not indulge in, like, bridge or Monopoly instead?"

"Monopoly's fun-ty!" cried Bella, clapping her hands together.

"And another thing!" Hermione turned back to the Cullens, who had grouped together to listen to her lecture. "Where is the physics in all of this anyway?" She knew physics, at least (her mother had majored in dentistry, and minored in astro-physics), and she was about to challenge a pack of vampires. Alone. What a wonderful plan. "The average ball-speed for a major-league baseball player is, what, 125 miles per hour? And if you are hitting it hard enough to create a sonic boom, and the speed of light is 343 metres per second, then you're hitting it, like, six times faster than a normal human? That's not possible, even if you_ are_ vampires! That's ridiculous! That's improbable! That's -"

"Are you always this pedantic?"

"_I beg your friggin' pardon?_"

Fortunately, the Gryffindor Quidditch team strolled out of the tree line before any more... playful banter could take place.

"Right." Harry clasped his hands together, and Ron, who had obviously been found in some sort of furry mud puddle, judging from his appearance. "Quidditch, anyone?"

"I don't know.." Esme looked doubtfully at her family. "It seems sort of dangerous. Brooms in the air and all..."

Hermione scoffed. "That's fine, then. These vampires are ridiculous, and defy everything I ever learned, which scares me, so I'll make fun of them to make myself feel better. That'll work."

Alice whipped around, her hair swishing perfectly around her face. "Don't think we can do it? You're on."

!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!

"OMIVAMPIREGODS - ICANDEFINITELY_NOT_DOTHIS!" Alice screamed, her hair looking slightly less perfect as her broom started going bananas.

Harry zoomed by, chasing the Snitch, neck and neck with Edward.

"Hey, vampire," Harry yelled over the sound of the wind, the rain and Alice's screams intermingled with Emmett's and Jasper's cries of pain. "How come you can fly so well?"

Edward flinched. "No reason, Potter. No reason at all." There was a moment of silence as they both streaked after the Snitch, dodging and weaving its way through the droplets of rain. "Hey - how's Cho doing?"

"She's fine, last time I checked - _hey, wait a moment, how do you know who -_"

"_Duck!_" Edward interrupted hurriedly, and swerved to the side just as Harry collided, very painfully, with a tall oak tree. And, just like that, he was out of the match.

Carlisle, not in control of his borrowed Cleansweep Eleven at all, careened straight into Angelina, sending both of them tumbling painfully to the ground, the two of them crashing into Alicia and Ron along the way.

Completely out of control, Alice zipped past Hermione (safely on the ground, watching the chaos with an amused smirk, an aged book in her hands), screaming obscene curses that were too salty to damage the delicate ears of delicate readers with.

"YOU'D THINK WE'D BE AWESOME AT THIS, SINCE WE'RE AWESOME AT EVERYTHING ELSE - I'M GOING TO HIT THE GROUND!" Alice howled, making use of her vampire-power even as her broom sloped towards the ground. She hit the dirt, raising a cloud of dust that could only be described as sexy. (What? It had a _vampire_ in it - of course it was sexy!)

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Please. _I _could have told her that. What a stupid power." She flipped open her book and scanned down the page, even as Rosalie's broom seemed to run out of battery and she plummeted to the earth, her blonde hair streaming in a waterfall of mind-boggling... hairy-liciousness. Or something. Anyway, Fred and George didn't seem to mind too much as the beautiful vampire hit them from above, shoving them down to the ground.

_And the body count rises, _Hermione thought, not looking up from her book.

"HOW DO YOU STOP THIS THhhIIIInnnnGGGGgggg?" screamed Jasper, whipping around in circles on his broom, making an excellent example of the Doppler effect. He and Emmett hit each other painfully, smashing each other's noses. Their brooms broke instantly from the pressure of carrying two vampires, and they (no prizes for guessing) were struck to the ground.

Hermione finally looked up from her book. The makeshift Quidditch field resembled a battle-field with unconscious god-like figures (plus the Quidditch team) lying stretched out on the field - all of them out cold.

Bella walked up to Hermione, finger hovering dangerously near her nose. "Hey - are they sleeping?"

"Yeah." Hermione patted Bella on the head like a tiny, somewhat stupid child. "Why don't you go join them?"

"Okay!" Bella happily skipped to the middle of the field and slumped to the ground, presumably sleeping.

Hermione quickly did a head-count. _Wait a minute, where's - _

"Miss me?" a dangerously fangirl-orgasm-inducing voice asked.

"No," Hermione answered honestly. "Hey - how come you can fly so well?"

Edward came up next to her, his stony (well, he was practically made of a rock!) face unreadable. "My long, dark past has hurt me, but I've come out stronger -"

"Aw." Hermione raised an eyebrow. "Poor baby. So angsty."

"Do not make fun of me."

"Aw. Poor baby. So _sewious _and angsty. How wonderfully pathetic."

"I'm leaving now."

"Buh-bye!" Hermione waved jauntily as Edward stalked off in no particular direction. She then opened her book once more, and read the passage aloud, for the benefit of the unconscious vampires on the field.

"_Fact: Vampires, when born, have been known to be missing a certain aerodynamic gene that allows them to move about easily in the air. As such, you shall never find a vampire in an airport or on an airplane. If they were ever to mount brooms and play an air-game, a maelstrom of chaos would ensue - very dangerous. Stay well away from flying vampires." _Hermione grinned. "Taken from: _A Voyage with Vampires, by Gilderoy Lockhart. _Oh... well, whaddya know: _Vampires are also extreme conductors of electricity and are seven and a half times more likely to be struck by lightning." _

Even as the words passed her lips, she watched a fork of lightning flash out of the sky and strike Edward on his noggin, effectively frying the vampire.

"He's not dead," she muttered, watching him twitch. "Unfortunately." And hugging the book to her chest, she walked slowly off in the direction of the ice-cream store for a pistachio cone.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5: The Snape and the Bieber - A Cautionary Tale**

Dumbledore swept down the dusty corridor, swift as a phoenix on a sugar high. With a few motions of the hand, the huge brass-odorned doors swung open, revealing the rather shaken Great Hall and a small congregation of very worried-looking teachers.

"Ah, Albus," McGonagall cried and swooped down on him. "We're just waiting on Severus, now. I do believe he's still down in the dungeons, probably hard at work."

Dumbledore nodded distractedly. "Are any of the faculty injured?"

Minerva looked pained. "Well, Cuthbert's missing - we've been looking for him everywhere, but a ghost could literally be anywhere. Argus is having a meltdown in the corner because of all the damage to the school. Pomona's head is stuck in the Urn of Unspeakable Plagues - again. Sybill won't talk to anyone. And _I've_ got a boo-boo!" With that, Minerva stuck her finger in front of Dumbledore's face. A minor parchment-cut.

Dumbledore cleared his throat mysteriously and did his best to look concerned. "I'm very sorry to hear this, Minnie."

McGonagall's face became stern again. "Minerva."

"Right, right. Now, I'll go fetch Severus, and then we can establish exactly what is going on here." _As if I didn't already know, _he thought mysteriously.

**~:~:~:~:~:~:~**

"Severus? Severus? Are you in here?" Dumbledore called, as he walked mysteriously down the dungeon hall. With a hesitant hand, he pushed open the door to Snape's office. Mysteriously, of course.

A wave of torturous sounds hit him, ripping apart his senses with terrible screeches.

_…..Gotta get down to the bus-stop_

_Gotta catch my bus_

_I see my FRIENDS!_

_Sittin' in the front seat_

_Kicking in the back seat_

_Gotta make my mind up -_

_Which seat can I taaaaaaaake?_

Dumbledore clapped his hands over his ears and yelled for Severus.

A dark shape came strutting - no, _dancing -_ out of the stockroom, singing along to the horrendous music.

"_It's Friday, Friday, gotta get down on-" _The shape noticed Dumbledore in its peripheral vision. "SON OF A BANSHEE!" it screamed, and slammed its wand down on the metal box that the music seemed to be blaring out of. Dumbledore desperately hoped the music would stop, but a new kind of music came out.

His ears were bleeding.

_Starships were meant to FLLLLLLLYYYYYY_

_Hands up and touch the SKYYYYYYYY_

_Can't stop, 'cause we're so HIIIIIGGGHHH_

_Let's do this one more TIIIIIMMME_

"Severus, make it stop!" Dumbledore cried, raising his wand in warning.

"Wait, wait! This is the good part!" Severus finally answered, having to yell to be heard over the pounding music. He began to head-bang as the voice resumed its horrid cursing. Grease flew everywhere.

_Starships were meant to FLLLLLLLYYYYYY_

_Hands up and touch the SKYYYYYYYY_

_Let's do this one more TIIIIIMMME_

_Can't stop,_

_We're higher than a-_

"Turn it _off!" _Dumbledore shrieked, feeling faint.

Snape waved his wand, looking mildly disappointed, and the music stopped abruptly. Silence descended. Blessed, awkward silence.

"Er... hello, Severus," Dumbledore said, taking the Potions Master's now-jaded expression in stride. "You are wanted in the Great Hall. Preferably without those terrifying noises."

"Yes. I suppose you're right, Albus. Those were terrifying noises. Justin Bieber is _much_ better."

"Wait - _No -"_

It was too late. Severus pressed a button on the box and the music burst out of it, literally throwing Dumbledore back against the wall. He slid down it, suddenly feeling every bone in his body creak under the weight of the music.

_….And I was like baby, baby, baby, OH_

_Baby, baby, baby, NO_

_Baby, baby, baby, OH_

_I thought you'd always be mine, MINE_

With that, Dumbledore grabbed Severus and flicked his wand at the box, causing it to explode. Amid the small flames and metal debris, Dumbledore looked sternly at the Potions Master. "Never speak of this again, Severus."

"Aw..."

**~:~:~:~:~:~:~**

"So, does anyone know _why _exactly we're here?"

Flitwick raised his hand tentatively.

"Yes," Dumbledore said, relieved, "Filius, what is it?"

"Well, Albus," the small man told the rest of the teachers, clustered in a circle, "as far as I know, the first wizard was placed on this earth to -"

"No, no, no. That's not what I meant, Filius. Not what I meant at all." Dumbledore rubbed a weary hand over his beard, exasperated. "I meant 'why are we suddenly in a different universe, in a very unfamiliar town, with no plausible way to get home'?"

"Oh. Um..." Flitwick paused for about thirty second, thinking hard. "I have no idea."

Dumbledore groaned. "Does anyone have any ideas?" He failed to notice a certain Divination teacher shrinking away from the question, looking nervous.

Snape cleared his throat, the absolute picture of dignity. "I believe I may have the answer to our question."

"Yes, Severus?" Minerva asked, looking as eager as a teacher with a nickname like 'Minnie' could look.

"Well, first we all must examine our pasts, as a inspiring Muggle artist known as Ninki Micaj has taught me through extensive sessions of aural therapy."

Dumbledore frantically tried to motion Severus to silence, but the greasy-haired teacher ignored him.

"For example, what is fear? We have all seen our fear in a physical form, as we all have confronted a Boggart at one point or another. My own fear comes in the form of-"

"What does this have to do with the fact that we have no idea where we are?" Sprout hissed to McGonagall.

Snape broke off his monologue to glare at Professor, who began to apologize with tears in her eyes. He snorted his displeasure and continued. "As I was saying, my own fear comes in the form of a cauldron of super-strength shampoo-"

He was interrupted by a spurt of laughter. Flitwick wrestled his expression under control and pompously gestured for Snape to continue.

He narrowed his eyes dangerously and pressed his thin lips together. Snape shook his head like an angsty teenager. "No! If no one wants to listen to me here, I'll bet the Biebs will! I'm going to my dungeon!1!1!1" And he stalked off, stiff-legged as a boy who'd just discovered what testosterone was.

Dumbledore frowned. "Severus, come back here."

"No! I don't wanna!"

Clearly, the mysterious movement of the castle had... changed Severus somehow. How mysterious.

"Severus, you come back here now, or-"

"Or what, _Dummy-dore?"_

"Oooooooooh," the rest of the teachers chorused as one.

"Or..." Dumbledore mentally rolled up his sleeves, and prepared himself, mysteriously. "Or I unleash..." - a pause, for effect-"the _Spell that Must Not Be Named."_

"Ooooh!" There were gasps of admiration from the teachers.

Minerva, however, grabbed his arm. "Albus, no one has ever survived speaking the _Spell_."

"Of course not, Minerva," Dumbledore told her. Mysteriously. "None of those who spoke it were me."

McGonagall stepped back, and Dumbledore produced his wand with a flourish.

He smiled. Mysteriously. "_Ahem." _He opened his mouth to say the swear-

And at that moment a convenient roll of thunder boomed across the sky, lasting for almost a full minute. No one heard Dumbledore speak the spell, but when both he and the thunder were finished, Snape's head had been replaced with a Chinese take-out box. The strange, calligraphic language was scrawled across the box, and the faint smell of dumplings made by a high-school dropout wafted out of the top. The box screamed and ran out of the room.

Dumbledore, eager to move on, clapped his hands together. "Alright, everyone, we need to get started working on a way to get Hogwarts, its teachers and its students back to where it belongs! Let's split up and scour the castle for clues!" As the teachers began to drift off, Dumbledore cornered Trelawney.

"You wouldn't happen to know anything about this, would you, Sybill?" he asked mysteriously, his mysterious half-moon glasses flashing mysteriously in the light mysteriously.

"I don't know, Albus! I don't know! I'm sure I don't know! Or, 'IDK', as it's referred to by today's urban youth." Trelawney gave a nervous chuckle. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go, um, feed my Pygmy Puff and look for clues, as you said, in the Divination tower. Goodbye!" She flitted off.

"Whatever the reason for our being here," Dumbledore mused, stroking the tip of his snow-white beard - mysteriously, mind you, "we'll find it, and in doing so find out a way to get home. I wonder... I wonder if Voldemort's behind all of this." He turned slowly and looked up at the light blue sky of the Great Hall.

Mysteriously.

**~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~**

**A/N:** _Sorry that this chapter took so long, I've been very busy - but now I'm on Christmas holiday... and the world didn't end, so that's a plus! Anyway, thanks to all who have read and reviewed and favorites and alerted. I was in a strange mood and wrote this all in one sitting, so hopefully it'll make you smile. This was what is referred to as 'a filler chapter' by today's urban youth._

_The next chapter features... well, you'll find out, but I will say that it has love-potion chocolates, a very disgruntled Dark Lord and a Bellatrix who resembles a hyper teenage girl pining for the next teen heart-throb. Oh, and the Volturi. _

_Additionally, I do not own Starships, Baby or Friday (thankfully). Nor do I own any of the characters in this story. Sorry if I insult your OTP or your favorite canon character, or your favorite song or singer - this is just for laughs!_

_Thanks for reading! _


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